‘Anora’ is ‘All About Love’
In a neon-lit lap dance club, we meet Anora. She's topless and gyrating in slow-motion on top of a horny man. We hear Gary Barlow's vocals in "The Greatest Day" paired alongside this image. For those familiar with the song, it's a little jarring, but amusing. Here, Sean Baker sets the tone for Anora: glittering, extravagant, absurd, and unexpectedly poignant.
‘The Substance’, the Abzorbaloff, and the TV Show ‘Botched’
Have you tried The Substance? It's changed the lives of those that have, or at least those that are willing to admit to it. There's an element of stubbornness to the discourse over this film, with many turning their noses up at its repulsive contents. Reviews are mixed, filmmaker Coralie Fargeat has been clear with her intention, and there are echoes of a David Tennant era episode of Doctor Who to The Substance's third act. If you didn't quite understand the significance of Margaret Qualley's butt in this squelchy body horror, then the rest of its meaning is bound to be lost on you.
Nicolas Cage Does Not Play a Spider in ‘Longlegs’
But you knew that already. Right?
Basically, Longlegs (2024) is not about spiders. What Oz Perkins has written about is a web of occult-influenced killings pointing towards the Buffalo Bill-style serial killer, Longlegs (played by the recognisably unrecognisable Nicolas Cage). Our semi-psychic, ever so slightly autistic protagonist, Lee Harker (Maika Monroe), has literally drawn a triangle-shaped arrow out of the algorithm Longlegs has created from the dates of his killings. He always kills daughters born on the 14th of the month to create this inverted triangle algorithm to show his worship of the devil.
But why?
‘MaXXXine’ is a Ball-busting Finale to Ti West’s ‘X’ Trilogy
Don't let the mixed reviews get you down; MaXXXine is not a flop. Whilst the feature is the weakest of its X predecessors, we still get a solid performance from Mia Goth, a teste castration, and a middle-fingered salute to the sexist horror tropes Ti West's horror trilogy subverts through its continued pastiche.
‘Priscilla’ Balances the Perspective on Elvis Presley
You'd think, from the Google Reviews of Priscilla, that Sofia Coppola had directed a hit-piece on Elvis Presley. According to these audience reviews, Coppola has tried to "seduce her audience" with a "feminist anti-male social agenda." Apparently, Priscilla fails to mention that "Elvis was entrapped by Priscilla [sic] family they asked to be transferred to where he was stationed and arranged meeting with their daughter read child bride book then blackmailed Elvis with exposure if he did not marry their daughter since Elvis did have intimate relations with her." It has both "an excruciatingly slow pace" but also "[r]ushes through without continuity." Most importantly, "Elvis was tall at 6 foot but this much taller actor at 6'5 seems chosen for manipulative reasons..."
Jacob Elordi: too tall to play Elvis. The b*stard.
‘Saltburn’: A Class Satire by the Privileged
If you haven't already heard, there's a scene in Saltburn where Barry Keoghan sucks Jacob Elordi's c*m out of a bathtub. If you were imagining it how I was, you were thinking that there's just a bit of c*m floating on the water after he's done bathing and Barry takes a delicate sip from the top. Revolting, but not so bad you'd want to wash your eyes out. Oh no. It's not that simple. The water has already drained from the tub. Barry presses his lips to the plughole and slurps. Whatever semen remains, he savours it. Nose pressed against the tub, lips pursed, cheek rubbing against the porcelain - slurping. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone quite so h*rny.